Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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