yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
