One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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