You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
