I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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