I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
