I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think my vagina is haunted
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Randomize
