If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
