It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
