i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
