so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
