it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
