You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
