I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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