You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
