I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
