Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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