the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
send nudes
from the living room?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
