i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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