i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
zippers are such a cool invention
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
