I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Who died my cat blue again?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
