so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
