I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
