Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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