some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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