Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
