I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
