On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
