I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
