he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dicks are not precious.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
