Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
