highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
