I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
