that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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