tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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