I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
