i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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