dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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