Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
