I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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