if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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