god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
