note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
