FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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