so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
