It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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