Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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