Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
