I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Someone came in the potted fern
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize