shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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