I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
