Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Come share oat with me in your robe
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize