I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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