I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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