the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
