I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
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