There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
