i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
